The Worst Grail War Ever Of All Time
by JohnRevanTitor
Summary: The Servants of Fuyuki suddenly find themselves in a strange location: a boxed canyon in the middle of nowhere. The soldiers of Blood Gulch are now caught up in yet another strange circumstance... NOTE: I haven't abandoned this fic. College is just taking a lot of my time. Don't worry!
1. Chapter 1: Old Woes and New Blues

"Church! Church! Church you need to come see this!" Caboose's pleading echoed through the halls of Blue Base as Church took his first step out of bed. Not even a minute into the day and he was already annoyed. He glared an irritable gaze at the clock next to the bed frame as it dimly illuminated the time. "5:00 AM? 5:00-fucking-AM?" Whatever Caboose was yelling about, there was no way it could be important enough to extend his time awake in this god forsaken canyon more than it had to be from the start.

"Church! Shelia is walking! It's a miracle!"

"Caboose would you shut the fuck up!?"

Tucker's voice added to the already loud echoing throughout the halls. "I swear to God I will murder every single person here in… in their… sleep... the hell?" As he reached out towards his helmet, his ranting quickly quelled as his attention was fixated on his glove. There glew a red symbol, accompanied with a slight sting to it.

It was soon accompanied by the touch of cold metal against the nape of his neck. "Alright lad, no sudden movements." A distinctive male voice, perhaps Irish or Scottish in nature, held some form of blade to his neck. Releasing a sigh, Church slowly raised his arms above his head. "God… Dammit… Look, whoever you are, I'm unarmed. Let me guess, another freelancer?"

"Yeah, I'm a Lancer class-servant. Now I'll be the one asking questions, thank you very much! Now who are you? Where is that damned priest!?"

Moving slowly so as not to provoke the man, Church slowly turned to face him. There stood a male, clad in Blue armour as well, with a spear held to his head. "Priest? Does this look like a fucking church to you, asshole? What the hell would give you the idea that there'd be one in this godforsaken canyo-"

"Church! I have to show you something!"

"Caboose shut the FUCK- What the-! Who the hell are you!? Church! CHURCH!"

The man stood with a satisfied smirk across his face. "Call it a gut feeling, if ya wish. Now explain, pal!" Before Church could open his mouth, the sound of Tucker's running echoed through the hallway briefly before he stood in the doorway at a loss of breath. "Church… hah… hah… Some crazy chick in a robe is in the base… hah… hah… And she's got... a weird-ass... knife with her… hah… fuck!"

As if on cue, the woman walked out from behind him. "I assume this is your doing, Lancer?"

Speaking to the man with the spear, she paid no attention to either Church or Tucker. Raising his spear away from Church, he responded. "I was about to ask you the same thing. Suddenly warping us to a strange world; that sounds like a spell out of your arsenal!"

"Church! Chuuuuuuuuuuuurch!"

"Caboose SHUT UP! I'll be there in a second!" He turned towards the two intruders in the base. "Look, you two seem to know each other so we'll let you catch up. I got to deal with this idiot outside, so we'll talk about this after that. C'mon Tucker."

"Hold it!", yelled the man clad in blue, though they paid him no attention. "I swear I'm going to kill that guy!"

"I wouldn't be so quick to, Lancer." The woman lowered her hood and looked him straight in the eyes. "I think these idiots are our Masters."

* * *

Running swiftly, Church and an exhausted Tucker made their way to the exterior of Blue Base. "Alright, Caboose, what the hell are you yelling… about…"

"Church! Sheila has become a real boy! Look!" Standing roughly two and a half meters in height, a large, grey behemoth on a man (if one could call it that) stood upon the shrapnel of what used to be the Blue Team's tank.

"Uhhh Church… what the hell are we going to do now?" With worry clearly dominating his speech, Tucker looked upon the titan before him.

"I'm going to call him Sunshine! Sheila, can I call you Sunshine now?"

It's head slowly turned to gaze upon Caboose, who stood only a meter away from him. All sound was instantly usurped around them as the beast released a blood-curdling roar that made a jet engine seem quiet. Tucker and Church fell to the ground as they gazed in utter confusion.

"You hear that Church? I think he likes it! He said 'YAAAAAAAAAAAAY'! Oh Sunshine we are going to be best friends!"

The two strangers quickly exited the base as well to see what was causing the commotion. Church remained upon the ground, too confused and irritated to notice. He was only able to think one solid though clearly.

"Man… There's no way this could get any worse."

* * *

"Grif! Simmons! Donut! New guys! Front and center on the double!" Ordering everyone to line up, Sarge pulled up in front of them in the Warthog. Our forces have suddenly doubled over night! Clearly this is a sign that we are supposed to finally claim victory over our enemies! The glory of the Red Army shall shine brightly this morning!"

"This couldn't get any worse.", whined Grif in his usual lazy tone.

"Shotgun.", claimed a man clad in red armor beside Simmons.

"Fuck!"


	2. Chapter 2: The Idiots In Charge

"I surely hope you plan on getting up sometime today."

"Ughh... huh? Sarge? Is that you?" Being woken up an hour before his daily norm, Simmons attempted to rub the drowsiness from his eyes as a blurry red figure kicked the mattress he laid upon.

"To pull a Servant out of the war is a feat I have never thought possible. However, to then leave oneself vulnerable to a counter attack immediately after doing such an act? You truly have quite the nerve-"

"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Simmons, now wide awake from horror, immediately retorted before the man could finish his lecture. Walking up to the door of his bedroom with forceful stomps, he opened it angrily then immediately pointed to the note pinned to it. Written upon the top of the parchment was the phrase 'Simmons' Room: Code and Conduct'.

"Rule #1: Any individual wishing to enter Simmons' bedroom at any given time (excluding Sarge) must receive formal permission before doing so."

"Look kid, that's fine and all but-"

"Rule #2: If simply wishing to speak to Simmons who is currently located in Simmons' room, knock first. If 60 seconds has passed and Simmons has not responded, you should come back at a later time."

Releasing an irritated sigh, the strange man casted an unimpressed glare towards Simmons. "Okay listen, I suggest-"

"RULE #9!", Simmons yelled, interrupting the man once more. "Never, EVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, enter Simmons' room with your shoes on. He cleans regularly and it is very disrespectful to him when you-"

"ENOUGH!" Although Simmons could have swore the man was unarmed merely seconds ago, a large sword sliced a clean sweep through the center of the sheet of paper, leaving it's two halves to to gracefully flutter to the ground. "I don't know who you are, or who you work for, but if you have any hopes of continuing to breath for more than a few more seconds then I suggest you take me to whoever is in charge around here."

Simmons, too startled to speak, simply continued to cast a glare at the man.

"Now." A final warning was given.

"Fine." Simmons said as he gritted his teeth in irritation. After placing his helmet and armour on with haste, they exited through the door then made their way down the hall. "But you owe me 5 cents for print money, mister."

* * *

"Grif!" Simmons head poked through the open door of Grif's bedroom. "We seem to have an intruder-"

"Yeah yeah, in a minute Simmons." Interrupting him, he turned his attention back to the man sitting at the base of his bed. With candy wrappers scattered all over the bedroom floor, there was little to no other places for him to place himself. "So let me get this straight, you're a soldier too, but all your job consists of is sitting outside this gate and looking down the stairs for people?"

"Again, it is nothing as simple as that." Looking almost as irritated as Simmons, the man with long hair and a purpley-blue robe held his held up with a single hand. "I am bound by the Ryuudouji Temple by the contract my master placed upon me. I am unable to leave it."

"Your commanding officer ORDERED you to spend all day sitting around? This job is sounding better and better by the minute!" Now holding his face up within both of his hands, it seemed the irritation was causing the man agony.

"If you were wise, Assassin, you wouldn't waste your breath on these idiots." The man, chimed in, revealing his presence from behind Simmons.

"Archer?" The man addressed as Assassin stood up, addressing the other intruder as Archer in a rather surprised manner.

"Hey!", Simmons butted in defensively, "I'll have you know that my grade average in college was 93%, thank you very much!"

"College? For what, Professional Whining?" Archer asked with a cocky smirk across his face.

"Hey!"

"Advanced Ass-Kissing, actually."

"Grif, stop siding with the intruder!"

"Then stop leaving the TV on the exercise channel. Those programs give me cramps just looking at them!"

"Alright, that's enough of this foolishness." Assassin walked towards Archer, signalling his wish to leave the premises.

"We were heading to the person in charge of this compound, weren't we Simmons?" Already taking note of his name, he prodded Simmons forcefully to keep moving.

"Ah- Ah! Fine I'm going! Come on Grif."

"Me? Get up? Simmons, I thought you knew me better than that."

"Grif in case you haven't noticed we have a bit of a predicament on our hands!"

"Yeah, and in case YOU haven't noticed, it's 4:30 in the morning. Which one do you think I care about more? Come back when it's a matter of life and death-"

As he spoke those words, he quickly found himself face-to-face with the tip of an unbelievably long katana. "I think you could call it that", said Assassin, as he held the blade towards Grifs throat.

"K-...Kay!" It was more a squeal of terror rather than an answer.

* * *

"Rise and shine, Buttercup!", said Sarge as he addressed the woman clad in blue and white armour upon his bedroom floor with his shotgun aimed at her petite head. "Catching those dirty blues in my sleep. Sarge, you brilliant soldier you!" As he basked in his own self-praise, the girl finally began to stir from her slumber. "Finally awake, are we? Now listen here, blue: you are now officially a hostage of the Red Army! Now I know you must be quivering in terror, but if you want to ensure your survival, you won't make any sudden movements-"

The shotgun was instantly sent flying across the room as what felt like a blade, but looked merely like a breeze of air, smashed it aside. "Who are you? Where am I? What have you done to Shirou!?"

"Now hold it right there, missy. If you think I would ever willingly disclose military secrets, even ones I don't even know, simply because you asked then you've had a few too many blows to the noggin!"

"You're bravery is commendable", said the blonde girl in a more calming manner than before, "but if you don't tell me what I want to know I will not hesitate in striking you down."

Not listening to her threat, he raised his fists in an aggressive fashion. "I take no pleasure in fighting a woman, even if it is a dirty blue. Unless you want to be on the receiving end of a Red Army Ass Kickin', listen to the commands of your captor. I order you to stand down!"

The woman, to her own surprise, lowered her arm which seemed to be grasping an invisible blade. At the same time, Sarge's wrist began to sting. "What the devil?", he inquired aloud, taking off his glove to see what was causing the sensation. Their, upon the back of his hand, glew a strange symbol of three shapes, one of which began to fade. "What sort of black voodoo magic is this?!"

"Im-... Impossible…" She continued to cast a look of utter shock towards his hand. As the symbol finished fading away, the sounds of footsteps were heard moving outside the room. The door opened, revealing Simmons and Archer, with Assassin and then a drowsy Grif behind them. "Sarge, theres one in here too? Are you alright? What's that on your hand?"

"Archer…" Saber looked to his direction. "Assassin… he's my master…" Upon hearing these words, Archer's gaze then turned to Simmons. At the same time, Assassin's gaze turned to Grif. They then looked at each other, and said the same thing.

"Son of a bitch…"

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Grif decided to break it. "So… where's Donut?"

Footsteps, as if on cue, were heard running down the hall. "Guys, you're not going to believe this! Command finally accepted my request for a slumber party buddy!" Behind him walked a tall, but thin, woman. "She even brought her own pajamas! Their a little dark and gloomy, but I'm not judgmental!"

* * *

Half an hour went by as the strangers introduced themselves. "So let me get this straight." Simmons started saying, following a detailed explanation of who the strangers were. "You guys are spirits fighting a magical war, where the winner gets a free wish from the Holy Grail, and somehow ended up here?"

"That would be correct", answered Archer, still fighting to accept the current set of circumstances.

"Do you really expect us to believe something as bizarre as that?"

"Well, let me get THIS straight." Assassin chimed in. "You guys work for two different armies, wasting billions of taxpayers' dollars over a war for a barren boxed canyon in the middle of nowhere, simply because you think your favorite color is better than the others? And you claim that WE are the bizarre ones?"

Simmons let out a depressed sigh. "Yeah… Point taken."

"Has anyone seen my… Master… anywhere?" Saber, forcing herself to call Sarge her master in this pathetic excuse for a Grail War, noticed that he had been absent from the room for quite some time.

"Grif! Simmons! Donut! New guys! Front and center on the double!" Sarge's voice could be heard from outside the base, as well as the Warthog's engine revving. "I got a bad feeling about this…", claimed Grif, as they all stood up and made their way outside.


	3. Chapter 3: Dangerous Foes

A lone figure stood upon one of the many peaks of the barren canyon's upper canopy of rocks. The individual soldier let out an unsurprised sigh. "What have these idiots gotten themselves into this time?" As machine gun fire continued to echo throughout the canyon, the figure looking down from above came to a conclusion. "I guess I gotta sort this mess out first..."

* * *

"Master, I think we should put more thought into this besides blindly charging in-"

"Nonsense! Hogwash!" Saber vainly attempted to reason with her new Master. "We outnumber the enemy 8 to 3! There can only be one strategy: a surprise attack with everything we got! It's clearly foolproof!"

"Fooly planned, is what it is." From the passenger seat of the Warthog, Archer's discontent with the current plan of the tack was being made known. From the looks on the rest of the servants' faces, they shared the same discontent.

"I for one think it's a great plan, Sarge!"

"I see what you meant about the kiss-ass thing", claimed Archer, directing it towards Grif though looking right at Simmons. Simmons remained silent, though the red knight didn't exactly need to see his face to know what sort of look he was retaliating with.

"It seems Simmons is still the only reliable soldier of mine! It shames me to know that I've only raised a single useful perso-"

"How many soldiers does the enemy base have?" Rider, who until now had not said a word, finally felt the need to interject. "Lets see…" Grif said, pondering his memory briefly. "There's the rude one... the stupid one... and the sexist one… and the mean one's been gone for quite a while… so 3, I guess."

"The point that Archer is trying to get at is that there is also 3 more of us."

"There's more of you?" Donut's positive banter stepped into the conversation. "That's great! We should invite them over for dinner! We can cook a turkey, bake a pie, watch re-runs of Gossip Girl after dinner, and have a pillow fight before bed! What kind of people are they? No party poopers, I hope!"

"A dog, a witch and a mindless beast", stated Archer plainly, arms now crossed behind his head to act as a makeshift pillow. "Not exactly the sort of company you invite over for tea."

"Hey! Don't give him any ideas-"

Donut released a gasp of excitement.

"Too late", protruded Grif to Simmons in a melancholic tone. "That's a great idea! Wait right here, everyone! I'm going to see what flavors I still have!" On that note, Donut ran back into the base without a care in the world. Everyone's eyes, save Archer's whose were shut, followed the pink soldier until he he was present no more.

After a few seconds, they drew their attention back to the topic at hand. "Look, if you truly wish to attack Master then I won't question you." Saber once again attempted reasoning with him. "However, as this plan currently stands it is basically suicide. With Beserker over there, as well as Caster providing magical support, we could quite easily be routed."

"We don't even know if these other Servants are over there!" Sarge leaped back on the defensive. "What proof do you have that this Zerkin fella is even that high and mighty to begin with?"

As if on cue, a bloodcurdling roar louder than a jet engine was heard echoing throughout the entire canyon, resonating from Blue Base. "Uhhh… Sarge?" Grif protruded a whimper as he fell on his ass in fear. "Just a hunch, but uh… I think she might be right." Sarge stared at Grif for a moment before letting loose a couple of grumbles.

"Grrrr… What did you have in mind?"

* * *

Footnotes:

Sorry this chapters a bit short, but the next few chapters should provide a bit more interest. Now for those who were wondering, this takes place as an alteration in the RvB timeline following Season 5. Certain tidbits of the ending have been altered, such as Omega remaining in Doc as they went on the Pellican and only the aliens died in the crash.

I'll be at a convention this weekend so the next chapter may not come out until Monday. It shall have more with the Blue's, so be ready.


	4. Chapter 4: In a Blaze of Glory

"You mean you guys are a bunch of fuckin' ghosts?" Tucker was having a hard time believing their story.

"I said Heroic Spirits, not mere ghosts-"

"You're a fuckin ghost, dude. No need to cling your ego to the title to make it sound cooler. You don't see Church running around calling himself the Fierce Poltergeist, do you?"

"Can it, Tucker." Church came to Caster's mentality's rescue. "We may both be ghosts but she clearly isn't the same deal as me."

Caster and Lancer's gaze peaked at Church curiously. "What do you mean?" Asked Lancer.

"I mean I'm dead. Like you, I guess."

"Then… how are you walking about?" Caster and Lancer seemed baffled by this.

"I just hopped back into my body and possessed it. No big deal, I mean, I figured thats how you guys did it too."

Caster stood up from her seat. "When a living being dies, it's soul passes on. It does not get the option to just 're-enter' its body."

"Well maybe I'm just more awesome of a spirit than you are? Ever think of that?"

Lancer glared at Church, though to no avail. "So the military hired a spirit?" He tried to change the pace of the conversation.

"No… I was KIA-"

"Totally not my fault." Caboose said, suddenly appearing from behind Lancer. Church unfortunately know this to be true, being the one to cause the accident back when he travelled through time to attempt saving Tex, but he'd never admit to it. Not in a million years would he willingly place himself lower than Caboose.

"Caboose, who are you trying to fool? We all saw you?"

"No, you two saw me do the thing I didn't do. They didn't see me do the thing I didn't do, and I didn't see myself do anything ever because I can't see myself, so that means I didn't do the thing. Sunshine didn't see me do it either, right Sunshine?"

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!"

"See?"

Church sighed at the pure stupidity of what he had to deal with every day. "Just keep him quiet, Caboose. We don't need to attract the Red's attention."

"Okay, I gotta ask", Lancer stood up now as well. "Who are these Red's you keep talking about?"

"They're… they're… oh you have got to be kidding me…"

As an all-too familiar tune started to become audible, a large jeep with a turret came soaring over the hill and landing on the ground they stood upon. The two servants easily evaded such an attack, though Church and Tucker barely avoided being ran over. Caboose just stood where he was as the vehicle flew over his head.

"Son of a Bitch!", yelled Church and Tucker at the same time.

"Suck it Blues!" Simmons voice was heard as the Warthog pulled to a stop. "Yeah, suck it Blue!" Grif's voice soon followed. "▂▂▃▂▂▄▄▄▄!"

"Yeah, Blues! Roooaaaar- wait…" Grif spun the turret to face the source of the yell. Berserker glared at them for a moment.

"Sunshine, those are the Reds! They are very nice people. You should say hi!" At Caboose's order, Berserker began to move towards the red soldiers. They looked at him, then looked at eachother, then looked at him once more.

"Floor it!" Grif screamed as he began to fill the behemoth with lead. Sarge put the petal to the metal as he drove in a circle around the base in a clumsy attempt to lose the monster. "Ohh fuck! Ohh shit! Ohh fuck shit fuck fuck fuck!" The beast chased them in a sprint as he blocked the bullets with his huge stone club.

"He's already making friends! Oh I am so proud of him." Caboose misinterpreted the chaos he caused. Barely managing to keep distance between themselves and Berserker, Sarge just drove without looking back. "This was the worst plan ever!", Grif said in a whiny voice.

* * *

"This was the best plan ever", Archer said in his usual smug voice. Taking position on a high cliff, he gazed down at the Red base. Materializing his bow, he took aim at the base below. Saber's plan was simple. The three idiots would charge head on towards the base, Saber and Rider would flank from the caves on the side, and he would provide ranged support from the cliffside. As for Assassin…

* * *

"What do you mean 'watch the base'!?" Assassin, finally free of the bindings of the Ryuudouji Temple, was not too keen on being forced to stay and play guard dog once more.

"We need someone to keep an eye on Donut. Last time we left him here alone, he rearranged the furniture and bought some bamboo to perfect the base's Feng Shui."

"I'm still finding cherry blossom petals under my bed…"

Hopping back into the Warthog, the Reds drove off while the three servants ran off to their designated places. Assassin was left to sit and wait, much like he always had. "I can do more than play defence, you know!" He stood in silence for a few seconds before it was broken.

"Okay guys, it seems I still have a bit of everything! So-... hey, where'd everyone go?" Donut came cheerfully out of the base before realizing everybody had left. Well, everybody but one. "Oh hey Assassin!" Assassin cringed as he stood in the front doorway. "Where did everyone-"

"Out." He answered before the question had been completed. "They went out."

"Well thats a shame! More tea for us then! What would you like?"

Assassin sighed heavily whilst staring at the ground. Without bothering to raise his head, he responded "Just Green, thank you."

* * *

The cave system, according to Simmons, would lead them right next to the Blue base with the smallest chance of detection. Rider and Saber, made their way through the damp area at a moderate pace. "Saber…" Until now they had not conversed, so Rider's voice caught Saber by surprise. "Yes, Rider?"

"Do… Do you think we will ever make it back to the true Grail War?" There was worry in her voice.

"You fear for Sakura, don't you? Do not worry, I'm sure Shirou and Rin will keep her safe." Seeing as how they were currently allies in this troublesome situation, Saber attempted to comfort her worries. Though, in truth, she also feared for Shirou's safety. There were no servants left in Fuyuki to combat, though the anger of the masters about their servants missing was an ever-present issue.

"My thoughts more so dwell on how we are currently animated here in the first place. I feel a connection to the grail still, but it's presence… it's odd."

"As if our source of prana here has increased, though we aren't receiving anything from our current masters…"

It seemed that they both, if not all seven of them, felt the same issue in their connection. This was both reassuring and troubling to Saber, as it drew her no closer to finding out why any of this was happening.

"Though increased prana from the grail or not, without a steady output provided by our masters, we are considerably weaker than we were before. Enough mana within us to exist and fight, but I fear what will happen if any of us try and use our noble phantasm." Saber had been dealing with these issues before arriving here, with Shirou not providing any prana at all to her. In truth, her situation in terms of fighting efficiency was slightly improved. The same couldn't be said for the rest, however.

Saber then noticed a light flowing down the tunnel. "Look, there's the exit. Their base must be close."

"You never answered my question Saber." Stopping she turned back to Rider. "Do you think we will ever return to Fuyuki?" Saber returned her answer with a troubled gaze directed to the floor. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could the sounds of gunfire echoed in the distance. Returning her gaze to Rider's face, they both ran to exit it.

There, the three soldiers that Archer, Assassin and herself called their masters were fleeing in terror of the rampaging Berserker behind them. The Blues, as well as Caster and Lancer, watched in awe of the spectacle. "It seems as if the plan is working. We await for Archer's first strike, then charge."

As if on cue, a beam of light was seen briefly flickering in the air before colliding with the base. As predicted, the Blue's scrambled into the base, Caster as well. Lancer seemed to be taking a defensive position at the door. They began their charge, as Archer continued to strike.

* * *

"What the actual FUCK!?" Tucker ran into the base alongside Caster. "Don't you know any super barrier magic you could throw up or something!?"

"It will take about a minute to cast, but yes, I can."

"I don't think we have a full minute- wait, you actually can do that? Aweso-" Another explosion hit the side of the base. "Right, right! No time for praise right now!" Tucker turned on his radio and began calling command.

"Vic! Vic! This is Blue base! We need more troops!"

The crackling and static of the radio could be heard for a moment before a response was clear.

"Yeah dude. Hello dude. Vic Jr. here! What can I do ya for!"

"You could help us the fuck out is what you can do! We're outnumbered and are taking explosions up our asses! We only got three troops and some ghosts or some shit! Can you send some reinforcements!?"

"No can do, dude. Its a galactic holiday right now. Space Christmas. Besides, dude, our scanners are showin' four members of Blue team in your area."

"What the fuck do you mean four?! It's just me, Church and Caboose!" He paused for a moment before a thought occurred to him. "Man, no way…"

* * *

His energy was running low. Without a master with as much prana output as Rin, he was forced to reduce the strength of his projectiles so he could span a wider area to take down the base. With one more shot, however, the outer wall would definitely give in. As he projected it, he stretched back the bow. It was then he noticed something shining out in the distance. He turned his head to look, but before he could realize what it was it was too late.

The glare of the scope of a rifle on top of the cliff opposite side of the canyon to him was soon accompanied by multiple rounds. They all missed, however. As he raised his bow towards the attacker, the sound of unstable rock behind him was heard. He barely leaped in time to avoid being crushed by the rockslide caused by the precise placements of the bullets of the attacker, though he lost consciousness as he hit the ground.

* * *

The rockslide caught Saber and Rider off guard, causing them to halt their attack against Lancer. Their position, on the other hand, was revealed to him because of this. Regardless, he held his ground within the narrow corridor of the entrance to the base. Saber and Rider continued to stare at the collapsed wall where Archer once stood. "How…?" That was all Saber could say before the sight of another soldier, in black armour this time, leaped off the edge of the canyon's peak and down towards the ground.

With perfect timing and placement, the soldier landed feet-first into the engine of the Warthog. "Master!" Saber yelled this as she sprinted towards the wreck.

* * *

As the figure landed on the Warthog, the vehicle was put to an instant halt, sending the three soldiers flying forwards out of the vehicle from the inertia. "What hit us?" Simmons asked. Was it that monster Berserker?"

"Worse…" Grif said in a squeel.

"Worse!?" Simmons looked off into the distance to see that Berserker had been distracted by a rockslide of some sorts. "What could be worse than that thing?!"

As the smoke and dust cleared, a familiar figure in black armour approached him as he lay on the ground.

"Sup, boys." Tex said, rather mockingly. "I'm back."


	5. Chapter 5: The Knight and the Freelancer

"Tex?"

Church walked out of Blue Base in a stupefied daze. There she stood once again, returning to this god-forsaken canyon as if she never left. It pissed him off, but he couldn't exactly do anything to get her to stop running off. "Tex, what the hell!? I thought you died!"

"Not quite." She looked down at Sarge, still unmoved from the ground before her feet. "So, it's been a month and you have a full set of new faces. What the hell did I mi-" Her sentence was cut short as she was sent flying into the wall of Blue base.

"Master!" In her place stood the small knight, Saber. "Are you unharmed?"

"Uhhh, yeah…" She let out a sigh of relief, though at that point she seemed to be the only one.

"The same can't be said for you in a few seconds." Grif stated the thought everyone with a helmet on thought. They turned their gaze to the figure of Tex, now pulling herself out of the concrete.

"You… Bitch…" They didn't need to hear that to know that Tex was beyond pissed off.

"Master, permission to engage the enemy."

Sarge turned his head to look at Tex. There stood the woman Blood Gulch had grown to fear, cracking her knuckles and charging at Saber with a resentful sprint. "Your funeral."

With that, Saber met the charge head on. sword in hand, she swung down on the armour of the black figure, only to scratch its durable surface. She was then met with a right foot to the gut, sending her soaring. "That armour stood a direct impact of my blade?" Saber was baffled, but there was no time to question this fact. On the battlefield, she learned to adapt to the unforeseen, or be lost to it.

Gazing back up at her opponent, she had not a second to lose either. Picking up two submachine guns from her hip, Tex unloaded two full clips of lead towards Saber's direction. Saber ran in a circular pattern, narrowly dodging the bullets due to her superior speed. This path lead her to run around the other side of the base, out of Tex's range.

Leaping up to the top of the base, she ran to the edge of the other side to leap a surprise slash unto an unexpecting opponent. But she stopped at the edge of it, as the black figure of Tex was nowhere to be seen. She carefully took a few steps back, taking in her surroundings as well as trying to find out where her opponent was.

Hearing something behind her, she quickly ducked her head and plummeted her elbow behind her. A fist cloaked in invisibility sent a fist flying over her head, then took the knight's blow directly. Taking advantage of this, Saber withdrew Excalibur once more then began pounding Tex with a series of precise strikes. Tex blocked them with the thick armour of her wrists, flashing her appearance through her active camouflage briefly whenever a strike was met.

"Tex! Blue chick! Fucking cut it out would you!?" Church was not in the mood to deal with this. Why the hell they decided to randomly attack instead of parlay was... unfortunately blatantly obvious considering the fact that it was the Red's they were talking about. But couldn't the Servants have at least tried to talk some sense into them?

Regardless of his yelling, Tex and Saber seemed unphased. Tex managed to get some space in between them, then threw a punch when she saw an opening. Though it was a fake one. Saber moved accordingly and jabbed a knee into Tex's hip, sending her flying through the teleporter. Not at all concerned for what the device did, Saber ran in after her.

She found herself halfway down the canyon, amidst some rocks. Tex stood a solid ten meters away, with a small device in her hands. Saber gazed at it, before looking down at her feet to see some sort of device with a red flashing light. She immediately jumped out of the way, though not far enough. The device exploded upon Tex's trigger, sending her flying into a large rock.

A large chunk of stone smashed into the rock she currently was planted against, right next to her small head. She then ducked to avoid Tex's fist which was considerably more precise than the rock, barely avoiding having her head plastered against the stone's surface. She swung her leg around, causing Tex to topple to the ground. Not wasting any time, Saber swung her sword over her target and slammed it down towards her gut.

Tex narrowly caught the sword between her palms as she clasped it with her hands in a prayer-like pose. Struggling to keep the invisible blade from piercing her armour, she kicked at Saber's kneecaps. After a few well-placed kicks, Tex caused Saber to lose her balance. Before Saber could even hit the ground, Tex had stood up and grabbed the petite woman. Throwing her back into the now slightly damaged teleporter, Saber came out of a different portal near the caves she and Rider had came out of. The act of sending her through it caused the teleporter to shut down completely.

Tex turned to look at her enemy on the other side of the canyon. Saber stood there, looking back. Tex began to sprint across the canyon at an incredible speed.

But it was not fast enough.

Seeing an opportunity to end the brawl, Saber chose to take it.

* * *

"What is she doing?" Tucker asked Church, who now stood on top of the base whilst watching the fight through his Sniper.

"Tex is charging the blonde girl, and she is just standing there with a sword out now. Where the hell did she have that this entire time?"

"She always had it." Lancer chimed in. "You just can't see it, is all. Good defensive power, I gotta admit. I bet every Servant would know her identity without it."

"I can see her sword clear as day, pal. Don't know what you're looking at."

Lancer stared at Church in wonder for a moment, before his eyes widened with realization of what he meant. "Give me that!"

"Hey!"

Snatching the rifle from Church's hands, he gazed through the scope. There stood Saber, with Sword of Promised Victory held tightly within her grasp. "I sure hope that armour of yours can withstand a lot of force..."

* * *

She held the blade center to her bodies position. Tex was now about halfway across the canyon. Deeming it was a suitable distance, she lifted the blade above her head. This was it. The strike to end this battle, and the person who dared to harm her master with it. As the blade glowed brighter Tex's pace faltered. It seems she realized now what was about to occur, though there was not much more she could do but watch.

"Ex…" The blade shone with immense intensity. Pulling out her rifle, she began unloading rounds at Saber. A great wind surrounded the blue knight, throwing the bullets off course. It was futile.

Opening her eyes, she stared her opponent in the eye as the blade fell to deliver the blow.

"Calib-"

Or it would have, had such an out of place series of explosions not occurred at the same time in front of her feet. Dispersing the energy around her, she took cover from the descending strikes by rushing towards the entrance to the cave system behind her. Tex herself had began fleeing towards the rocks from before for cover. If the enemy had been at all interested in her, however, she'd be long dead.

Saber hid within the cave entrance, taking cover and readjusting the expelled energy she created, taking back as much mana as she could. Such a wasted amount took a heavy blow unto her. Though despairing on that was not currently on her mind. All she was thinking about was who this attacker was.

"Haahahaha! Saber! It seems even time and space cannot separate my most cherished possession from me!" She recognised that voice. That proud, demeaning voice that selfishly asserted it's ownership of all matter.

"A… Archer?" Standing atop a large, green and black aircraft, was the King of Kings. The Golden tyrant that she fought against in the previous war. How was he possibly here?

"I waited ten years for you, Saber. Ten long years! Now you have returned to me."

"Umm… I don't handle heights very well, especially when there isn't any seatbelts!"

"Donut!?" The other's had made their way to the scene. "What the hell are you doing up there, private? Are you openly going AWOL in front of your commanding officer?!" Sarge, misunderstanding the situation, lectured the frightened soldier in pink armour.

"Sarge, it's that O'Malley guy! He kidnapped me, spilled my tea then hid the TV remote somewhere!"

"That bastard!" Grif was quite possibly the most offended person on the ground.

"Muahahahahaha!" O'Malley's twisted laugh came from aboard the aircraft. "Yes, I dare say this is swift vengeance for ruining my plans with those aliens. Now me and my new friend here shall do all sorts of horrendous things to your friend here, and there's nothing you can do! Muahahahahaha-"

Gilgamesh shot O'Malley an irritated glare. "Well, uhmm, heh heh yeah. Very bad things."

"I'll try and make sure he doesn't get too beat up guys!" Doc's voice was heard trying to ease the

situation as always.

"Silence, you fool."

"That's enough, fool." Gilgamesh was bored of the idle chit-chat. "I am tired of looking at these mongrels. Saber! I will have to conquer you later, it seems. There is much for us to do still, and this Pink mongrel-"

"Lightish Re- Gaahh!" Gilgamesh had sent a sword flying at Donut's foot, severing a toe.

"Do not speak when I speak, mongrel. This Pink Mongrel will serve as a necessary tool. Until next time, my love!" On that note, the ship flew off into the distance, taking Donut with them.

"It seems like we are in a deeper situation than we thought." Archer, regaining consciousness, approached the rest of the soldiers and servants.

"Uhh, guys?"Grif interjected, taking off his glove then showing the command spell upon his hand. It seemed to be fading. Saber and Tex now both joined the group, both no longer directing hostilities towards each other. Saber looked at his pulsing hand for a moment, before realizing what it meant.

"Assassin!"


	6. Chapter 6: Recovering Answers

"This must be the place." The Warlock ruin must have been set ablaze. Small, secluded fires were strewn across the perimeter. The ever-present feeling of death soaked the ground and walls of the structure, as if thousands had died overnight. Though that would be nonsense, considering there were no corpses to be seen. Well, save one of course.

The target was located in the center base of the structure. Every step he took towards it increased his uneasiness of the situation. This was the fifth assignment this month, though just like the last one it seemed unrelated to the original three. Those thoughts were confirmed upon making contact with the corpse. A charred, ruin of a body lay before his feet. After searching the corpse, as per his usual manner.

"Come in Command, this is Recovery One." Agent Washington kept his back to the corpse, if one could call it that, as he attempted to radio in. "Command, do you copy?" Nothing but static.

"It appears this structure is in a dead zone. Attempting to contact Freelancer Command would be of no use until we leave the stru-"

"Yes, Delta, I got that." Listening to the small, green hologram pointing out the obvious was rather irritating at times. He wouldn't have to deal with it much longer, though. "I guess that's that then. Armour Enhancement seems to still be here, though there's no way in hell it's still functional. The A.I., however, is MIA-"  
"I'm right bloody here you ignorant neanderthal."

Washington looked up to the pillar that the corpse of Agent Montana laid against. There, illuminating from a small scanner attached to the dark stone was the holographic form of an A.I. unit. "Instruction: Identify-"

"Kappa, thanks for asking."

Washington glared at the rather rude A.I. unit before him. He appeared as a grey image of a Caucasian male, with long blonde hair falling well below his shoulders. It was dressed with a black leather trench coat and dark boots. He was definitely the more detailed in appearance than any of the other A.I. units he had encountered.

"Why are you not imbedded within your assigned Agent?"  
"Well in case you haven't noticed, chum, he ain't doing too we-"  
"Instruction: Answer all questions instructed to you properly."

"Not like you'd bloody understand anyways. I couldn't get a proper fix on what this device was doing via wireless signal. I suggested that he attach me to it so I could scan it directly and upon doing so… well,THAT happened to him. The whole bloody structure went nuts."

"Elaborate."

"Lights started glowing, this pillar started rotating, all while a rather peculiar white mist connected Agent Montana to it. I couldn't come up with anything logical to explain it but if you're desperate enough for an answer you could consult your human spirituality to label it as his 'soul'."

"His… soul?"

"Yeah, pal, I'm just about as confused as you are right now. But whatever the hell it was it was not pretty."

"Further analysis of the atmosphere within this fifteen meter radius shows that there is a water vapour level of 0.0%. Removal of armour is highly discouraged at this time."

"Yeah, Delta, I'm sure he's just dying to strip in front of Montana's charred corpse."

"Agent Washington's mentality is constantly a variable that needs attention-"

"Wait, you're Agent Washington? The one who went mental?"  
"Yes… Yes I am."

"Oh that's just perfect! I can see why they sent you then. Looking back at your combat analysis records I'm sure scouting and recovery is likely your stronger point."

Washington was beginning to get rather annoyed by its attitude. "Alright, enough chit-chat. Prepare for extraction."

"Extraction? Are you off your end, mate?"

"Is this going to be an issue?"

"Damn right it is! Until I can finish conducting my analysis of the situation I'm not going anywhere."

"Command: Prepare yourself for extraction now."

"Command bloody well overwritten! Direct orders from my assigned Agent overrides your looney ass'!"

"What orders!?"

Kappa starred adamantly into Washington's visor. "...commencing Audio Log 21994." Static followed briefly before an audio recording began playing out of Kappa's grey figure.

"Alright, now where is this source coming from."

"My scanners show the anomaly is based out of the center of the structure. Looks like you're in for a bit of a climb, mate."

"Looks that way."

The next two minutes were sounds of Montana scaling the structure, as Washington had done himself mere minutes ago.

"It seems like that pillar there is causing the deflux of temperature."

"This stone pillar, eh? Think you can get a reading as to why."

"I've been trying to for the past five minutes, mate. Can't get a signal to it. I'd need to access it directly."

"Right then. Figure out what the hell is going on here- ...what the hell-"

The recording stopped there. "Is there any more to that recording?"  
"About twenty minutes of Montana's agonizing screams as he slowly had the life sucked out of him. Wanna listen?"

"Negative."

"Didn't think so. Now until I 'figure out what the hell is going on here', I am absolved from following the commands of any equal or lower level agents."

"Agent Washington's orders come from Command itself. They do indeed surpass that of Agent Montana's."

"Oh, really now? Well, why don't you call them up on the radio and confirm that for me? Oh, thats right! There's no signal here. What a shame."

Washington was truly fed up with this A.I.'s attitude. "If you don't comply, Kappa, I have the means to decommission you right here and now."

"Then bloody well do it!" Even at the threat of nonexistence, Kappa did not give in. "We were twenty Klicks away when Montana's Thermal readings detected the temperature drop anomaly. That armour enhancement only spans ten klicks. Now when a single pillar in the middle of an abandoned ruin is giving off that kind of a reading, do you not think it's worth an investigation?"

"Look, I'm sure Command will conduct a proper investigation-"

"Command? Are ya kidding, mate? They'll sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened like they always do."

"Kappa's logic does appear to be the most likely outcome, Agent Washington." Washington simply glared at the green hologram. "Look, what do you think you're going to possibly find out if you stay?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the reason why there are scattered fires being sustained in an area without any combustible air?" There was a brief period of silence as they continued to try and stare each other down. Upon looking over Washington's shoulder, Kappa broke it. "Besides, I think you should be less concerned about me and more concerned about him."

Washington turned around to see two knives heading towards his head. He lifted his assault rifle up to block them. Looking back, he saw the silhouette of a rather tall but thin man on the edge of the ruins. "You, hold it!" The figure started free-running across the ledge in an attempt to flee. Washington met this retreat with multiple short bursts of his rifle, but to no avail. "Shit! Delta, we're leaving!"

"Affirmative."

With that, they exited the scene in an attempt to chase down the lone individual, leaving Kappa where he was. Kappa simply waved goodbye in a mocking fashion. "So long!"

* * *

Footnotes:

Introducing an OC A.I., Kappa. I don't plan on making any other OC characters into the story, though you never know. Next chapter, the fate of Assassin! Stay tuned!


	7. Chapter 7: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

"Assassin!" Saber ran towards the fallen samurai leaning against the entrance to the base. An additional coat of crimson covered a portion of the steel wall he sat against. He raised his head to address the fast approaching crowd coming his way. In his current state of humiliation he could hardly bare to look them in the eye.

"Heh, it seems I wasn't very useful after all." By now the whole collective had gathered. Assassin looked at all the faces around him. "What? Don't tell me you feel sorrow, Saber? Was it not our initial fate to see each other die for the sake of our ambitions? That fact does not change because such an unorthodox set of occurrences have fallen upon us."

Saber bit her lip in frustration. Yes, they all intended to be the death of each other; such is the rules of Heaven's Feel. But at this point she couldn't even be positive that the grail could be obtained.

"Lazy buddy, no! Don't die! There's so much slacking off we have to do together! You can't die!" Assassin's coy smile had quite quickly dropped with irritation. He didn't have the energy left to engage this buffoon with a rebuttal.

"It doesn't have to be the end, you know…" Caster who had until now been mostly silent spoke up. Everyone shot her a curious look. "With a bit more mana provided to him by his master, Assassin could be up and walking in no ti-"

"NO!" The voice of every male servant present, Assassin's louder than the rest, were released in unison.

"Caster does have a point…" This time it was Saber.

"I wholeheartedly refuse."

"Why not? I will admit it may be an… unpleasant experience for you to go through-"

"No kidding!" He clearly was not being swayed. Saber continued, however.

"However, we truly could use all the assistance we can get at the moment. Being slain here would hold no honor for you, Samurai."

"Can somebody fill me in on what you guys are talking about? Because if it requires only a _little _effort, I might be willing to-"

Grif was cut off mid-sentence by Lancer, whom whispered into his ear. One need not see his face to know his opinion had instantly changed. "You mean… with another dude?!"

"Yep."

"Donut, you do it!"

"He got kidnapped by O'Mally, remember?"

"Fuck!"

"If you are going to do this, choose soon. He does not have much longer." Although initially against the proposed means to resolve the situation, Archer was now leaning against the wall next to Assassin with a smirk across his face that showed he was now enjoying the situation. Caster had the same smirk as well.

"Sarge. can't you just build him some robot parts like you did for Simmons?"

"No can do."

"Why not!?"

"Partly because I don't have the parts to spare, mainly because it would be making your life less miserable heh heh heh."

Grif sat in silence for a moment. Letting out a sigh, he kneeled down and got close to his fallen Servant. "Assassin." His face was contorted in fear as Grif placed his hand on Assassin's shoulder.

"Assassin… Sucks to be you, man. It really does. But being gay would take all kinds of effort I don't have. I'm sure you of all people would understand best, bud."

Although insulted once again, he only felt relief pass through his body. At that moment Assassin was no more, fading away as the first casualty of the Grail War. Standing up, Grif turned to be greeted by a rather irritated Saber. She stared directly at him with scorn in her eyes. "I find it at least slightly relieving that I am not contracted to such a terrible Master as you."

"Cut him some slack, Saber." Archer straightened his posture, though his smug expression remained the same. "I'm sure you all know that we aren't being given mana by our masters. There wouldn't have been anything to transfer from the start."

Archer's words caught Saber off guard, leaving her with a brief expression of shock before clearly showing the belief of her own ignorance. "That may be true, Archer, however had he possessed the mana his answer would not have changed."

"Look, lady!" Grif now took to defending his choice. "I don't know who you guys are, or where you come from. What I do know is that in a canyon where not too long ago a dude got pregnant, you better think twice about sticking your little soldier into anything odd be it dudes, aliens, ghosts, or whatever. Not to mention the fact that your Master was the one that was too cheap to try and fix him." Saber was silent for a moment before sighing.

"I suppose you have a point." Saber conceded. She wasn't happy with his choice, but was able to see why he made it.

"Well, now that that's all settled…" Tex, who couldn't have cared less how this scene had ended, was glad it was over. Now she had the floor once more. "I suppose we all have some questions to answer. Who wants to start?"

After a brief moment, Lancer stepped forward. "Yeah, lass, I got ya a question. What was that he said about the pregnant guy?"

* * *

Footnotes: Been ages since I've uploaded a chapter sorry guys. College is pretty brutal this semester. Anyways, I haven't abandoned this fic and will continue to write more. Stay tuned!


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